Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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