we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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