Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
