i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize