her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
