you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
