did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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