i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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