I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
