yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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