Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
