My first STD was from a foam party
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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