Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
