this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
time to smoke my breakfast
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
