You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
