Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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