So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize