I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
