It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
