Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
