The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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