Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
