You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize