Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize