And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
