just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They took my balls.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize