News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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