So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We are all done wearing pants today
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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