Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
