Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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