He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
