if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
