No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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