Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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