Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
