totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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