I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
