I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
