I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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