What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
