Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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