I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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