the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You were trust falling into bushes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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