If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
