I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want her autograph on my taint
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize