I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
