Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize