I cockslap morals
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
