he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
