im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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