God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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