I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
