I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
