The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He shit in the fireplace
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
