im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
