Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
