I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
