if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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