turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
