My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
