when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
