I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
