I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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