saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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