Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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